


3 Wives, 1 Husband

by GrumpkinVicky



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 17:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21122306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpkinVicky/pseuds/GrumpkinVicky
Summary: A cleaning/hoarding show attempts a BAFTA worthy episode. In a small Black Country town, an unconventional relationship is explored in the eyes of the friends and family of the four people involved.





	3 Wives, 1 Husband

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlyssumFlowers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssumFlowers/gifts).

It was a one off episode idea, they’d done lots of houses with too much stuff, it was getting old hat now to be honest for the audience. They wanted something new and exciting, something that was very now. Their competitors had branched out into other fields of hoarding or cleaning, there had been Marie Kondo and that had been a scoop and a half, some had even gone into cars, but it was when the head of accounts had mentioned his mate Bill that they realised what an opportunity they had. They could be the first hoarding show to win a BAFTA.

It had been an easy sell from then on out. 1 man, 3 women they wouldn’t even need to worry about quotas for diversity even, no more shoehorning a token bit player in to keep the regulators happy, oh no, this would even shut up the uproar from lads groups too at having more women than men. It was genius, the women who would watch it to criticise would be happy that it wouldn’t be a male fantasy piece, and those who weren’t going to watch it would think it would be. 

Bill even met the working class hero stereotype, former miner made good with several best selling novels on pit life, he lived in a middle class home three streets from where he was born and grew up. David had assured them that he had even managed to avoid any potential upsets by as far as David was aware, not having any racist skeletons in the closet. The 3 women in his life all seemed perfectly pleasant on paper, which if the show was aiming to be a pop piece would have been awful. For this episode though, they wanted serious and emotional, having likeable adults would have more impact, and would help earn them that BAFTA. Take that Louis Theroux, “How Clean is Your Life?” would finally get the recognition it deserved.

Opening Shot

Voice interview with David, laid over shots of a middle class detached house in leafy cul de sac, 1 middle aged man surrounded by 3 smiling middle aged women.

“Thing is with Bill, he’s always liked women, he just never wanted to part from them after wards. Doris was his high school sweetheart, I think she felt sorry for him in all honesty, she came out as a lesbian but well, it was different times back then you know, harder. Well he proposed and they got married right out of school, she went into teaching as a profession whilst Bill worked down the pit like his old man, well like all of us. Gloria came next, I mean Gloria was lovely but we all thought down the social club that she was more in it for Doris, you never saw Gloria with just Bill you know. But Bill never seemed to mind, and the younger lads all seemed jealous, I don’t think they understood really. Gloria worked as an air hostess, not as glamorous as you’d think but it meant that they all got to go on lots of holidays.”

Scene change to large kitchen with breakfast island in the middle with the four perched on stools drinking coffee.

“Gloria moved in after a few years of being on the scene, there was a moment when we thought that maybe Doris would leave Bill, but then Bill started to have health problems, Gloria moved in shortly after. Lastly came Tina, I think the story is that they met Tina whilst in hospital, she was visiting her dad on the same ward Bill was in when he was getting over a bad bout of pneumonia. Tina works for the council, not that we held it against her. No one quite knows when she moved in, it just seemed to be that she was there.”

Voiceover

“Bill is a normal every day man, he was born three streets down, he worked in the pits that run underneath his very feet until his health forced him to quit. Bill wrote three bestselling novels and one Richard and Judy Book club nominated collection of short stories about working down the pit. Bill, however, is best known by his friends for living with three women all of whom he calls his wives.”

Interview with Bill - three women in background cooking on barbeque.

“So Bill, how does it feel to live with three women?”

“I pinch myself every day, I am the luckiest man alive.”

Interview continues sound mutes as it cuts back to the three women cooking.

“Doris, how did it feel when Bill first introduced you to Gloria and then later on Tina?”

“Firstly, it wasn’t like that. Bill and I first got married back in 79, I had been outed in the town, and Bill wanted to protect me, he’s always been great like that. I met Gloria in Manchester where I used to go to be among people who understood me. It turned out she lived nearby, and well, it was great, Bill understood and then Gloria really liked Bill. Not in that way, but he’s a great guy, would give you his last kidney if he thought you needed it.” 

“It’s true, Bill was nothing but inviting when I first met him. You have no idea how bad it is out there, you meet a girl and she says she’s in a relationship and you just know he’s going to hit on you, but he didn’t. He’s been a perfect gentleman the entire time, hasn’t he Tina?”

“That’s true, when I first met them poor Bill was stuck in bed in the middle of the ward surrounded by all sides by old men like my Da. I got to see a lot of Gloria and Doris, I’d seen them before, at clubs, from afar though, because I never wanted to poach. Well, then it was a bit of a shock when they were together but Doris was married to Bill. In the months we spent together at the hospital, well, it just seemed right, Doris and Gloria both invited me in with no hesitation, and Bill was like Gloria said, a perfect gentleman.”

The three women embrace. Slow cut back to where Bill is chatting with presenter.

“So the biggest question the people at home will want to know, are you all actually married?”

“Ah, you’d be surprised how often our friends ask this. I am married to Doris, back in 79, after we left school it was the right thing to do after she got kicked out. We settled down, got married so she wouldn’t be left without if I was to die down the pit. You’ll forgive me if I don’t go into details about our private life though, to protect her. Gloria and I aren’t married, and neither is Tina. Tina and Gloria talked about marrying back when it was made legal, but they want to wait for Doris, for when it’s legal for all three of them to marry. They are all in my will though, as equals and have been for the last decade.”

“Oh wow, that’s really a wonderful attitude, but doesn’t it get lonely?”

“I live with three wonderful women, how can I possibly get lonely?”

“Our audience will wonder how you manage on a more personal level.”

“Like I said, you’ll have to forgive me, the more personal stuff stays that way. Perhaps when we are all dead and the diaries get released if people are still interested. And for all of those would be burglars, sadly that information is kept in a safe place well away from here.” 

Interview with Bill’s parents

“How do you feel about your only son living with three women?”

“Well, in my day a man would have his wife and if he wanted a bit on the side he’d keep her in a different town, not that I did of course, but you know the ones that did, that’s what they did.”

“I just wish we could have had grandchildren. Doris was always a lovely girl, I thought Bill should have convinced her by now it’s all just a phase.”

“Now Morag, you know Doris knows her own mind, if he wanted to have stamped that out he should have done it back when a man could teach his wife without the polis getting involved. Not like nowadays where you can’t even have more than a pint and drive. PC gone mad.”

“George! You know that Bill would never hit a woman, he was brought up to be a good boy, and if you’d laid a finger on me I would have got you good with my saucepan.”

“Aye, shame about the grandkiddies though eh Morag.”

“Aye.”

Interview with Doris

“Where do you see the future leading?”

“Well, as you may not know, Bill’s health has always been bad, working down the pit played havoc with his lungs. He has been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, it had been in remission but sadly it’s come back. We are having a family holiday to Bill’s favourite place, Islay, a lovely little Scottish island just off the West Coast. By the time this episode is aired, well, the Doctors don’t think he has long left.”

“Does everyone know?”

“The family knows, we are keeping it from his friends at Bill’s wishes, he doesn’t want any fuss.”

Interview with Bill

“Do you have any regrets?”

“Not a one, not a single one. I am the worlds luckiest man alive.”

Interview with David. Snapshots of Scottish countryside with four laughing people.

“Do we down the club think any less of Bill? Of course not, he’s a great guy, even when the money started rolling in with the sale of his first book, do you know what he did with it? He paid off his parents house, not that it cost much round here. He donated money to the club, enough to get us a new club house built. He even gave all the proceeds from that short stories book, you know the one, it was huge, he did what they did with Peter Pan, the royalties all go to the local hospital.”

Background changes to photographs of Bill throughout his life, from baby to collecting his OBE.

“What makes Bill so well loved? His heart, genuinely a lovely bloke, I always thought if not for Doris though, he’d be living in the middle of nowhere as a hermit. He likes people, just you can tell when you look at him, even as his best mate, you can tell that behind his smile he’s lost in his head. Best thing that ever happened to him was having to give up the pit, he came alive once he began to write.”

Fade to photo of Bill smiling in a hospital bed, surrounded by Doris, Gloria and Tina.

Voiceover

“Bill died on the 24th May 2019, in hospital surrounded by his family.”

Credits

“And the BAFTA for best Factual Feature goes to… 3 Wives 1 Husband! Congratulations, it brought a tear to my eye, and here to collect the award is three of the stars of the show, Doris, Gloria and Tina”

**Author's Note:**

> So this was inspired by not watching any of 3 Wives and 1 Husband but the fact that when I went searching for cleaning/hoarding shows this came up. After a chat with Flowers on discord, I wanted to write it. It is very British.


End file.
